Indescribable

So, my life this week. I didn't go to bed any earlier then 12 am. Doing what? Nothing too important. My procrastination skills became professional this week as I waited till the last minute to even start waiting. My time management skills this week fell through the roof and crashed through the floor. I spent literally 10 hours attempting to do a five page paper.. It was an individual assignment but a couple of my friends and I got together and it never really got finished until we realized the library was going to close in 2 hours.. this was 1 am. I must admit all this week guilt has been running through my veins. I havn't taken much time to walk with God. In fact I would wake up say hello, check my facebook and email and rush off to classes, cram in some homework in between and then hang out with friends later on in the night knowing full well there were other things I should be doing. This week I had left God on the backburner and I won't lie, I took my salvation for granted. I have back-tracked and retracked my traces then fell backwards again. So on top of feeling overwhelmed I also felt pretty horrible for leaving me savior alone for the week. I went through constant conviction in my mind and heart and I started asking questions of Why I felt so distant? But this is how God dealt with me this week.

I was feeling pretty down Thursday. Really worthless and working on a project while listening to Chris Tomlin's song Indescribable. The lyric that stood out to me so very much was "You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same". I really began to think about that. A lot of times, we put on this act like we have it all together. Like we are the perfect Christian or just the perfect person and if we begin to feel down on ourselves or slip up we try to cast it in to the darkness and pretend it never happened. Not because we try to justify it but because we don't want others to see that we can fail. What would that mean? I used to solely be a spiritual guide to my now best friend and roommate. I confide in her about all thats happening but I have become very self-concious of it because of what she has seen of me and my beliefs she expects me to be perfect. I feel bad telling her that I mess up because I dont want to let her down or give her the wrong impression of myself, my motives, or Christianity. But heres the thing.. God sees it all. He sees those secrets that you feel you can't tell anyone, those dark down and hidden desires that you are ashamed of and he still loves you. Not just love either, he died because of the passion he had for you even when he knew you would feel the way you do. It's no wonder "you are amazing God follows right after" How truly amazing it is to have a God who is perfection and loves us even in our imperfection. The second thing he showed me was through a song by Matt Redman titled you never let go. That title is in fact what stirred up a revalation inside of me. "YOU(GOD) never let go. Through the calm and through the storm... " and in that song it never talked about my consistancy and how our relationship, the strength of our bond was dependant on how much I held on. No, it was him who never let go of me. So we can walk away, we can say forget you, I don't want this anymore. We may let go... But he is still holding on.. tighter then we can ever imagine.

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