Scraps from my Table: "We Come In Peace"

That is how the headline reads at the City's new Japanese website that is designed to promote foreign investment in Andersonia and according to Acting Mayor Kevin Smith, that's just the message that the city needs to send to Japanese businesses. Smith said, "Some of them little fellas haven't gotten over what the US of A did to Godzilla when we sent King Kong over there to kick some lizard tail". "We need to send a more positive message to them".

The City has plans for additional upgrades with pages aimed toward other countries. The Acting Mayor is currently interviewing consulting firms who will assist with a British translation. Qualified applicants should submit a resume' and a $1000 campaign contribution to the Acting Mayor's attention.

The City Water Department's installation of the Automatic Meter Reader system is slightly ahead of schedule according to Acting Mayor Smith. "Things have been going so well, we've even been able to upgrade a few select homes with the latest Spybot AMR model".

The Spybot Series meter has recently been approved for use by the U.S. Attorney General's Office in homes where terrorist activities are suspected. Unedited high quality readouts from these meters will soon be available to the public for $44.95 for a 30 minute DVD. There are also future plans for live streaming video.

Another Baloney Factory In Andersonia?

"Spell it any way you wanna, if they're making bologna at the Flagship... me and Staley want in on the action", Acting Mayor Smith said when questioned about a rumored meat processing to be located at the Flagship Park. Sara Lee has expressed interest in the Andersonia industrial park.

Talk of the proposed plant was a hot topic at local beauty shops, pool halls and convenience stores. Marge Blanton, a patron at New Image Salon said, "I don't care what they do as long as their wieners still plump when you cook them".

Sara Lee also owns the Piggly Wiggly line of grocery stores. Salesman for the city Greg Winkler is negotiating a contract that will spell out the incentive package with the food giant. Winkler said, "One of the biggest sticking points is their reluctance to name any new area grocery stores after me. The name Piggly Winkler Wiggly will say a lot about our city, I think". Win/win!

Back Scratcher of the Week Award

It is with a heavy heart that I must hand out this week's award. Ahh, heck! I can't do it. I was going to give it to Building Commissioner Michael Widing who contributed $1000 to the Acting Mayor but Mr. Widing is one of the most professional and hardest working dept. heads and shouldn't have to pay to keep his job.

Police Chief Frank Burrows is these week's winner! Frank has contributed $500 to the cause. You would have thought that his support of the Acting Mayor on police contract issues and the bugging of City Hall would have been adequate. I guess a little insurance policy can't hurt.

Sycophant Of The Week Award

Christy Boze was a strong contender for both the Backscratcher and the Sycophant Award. She blew kisses to the Acting Mayor by calling all Ockomon supporters "toothless wonders". Kevin rewarded her with a sweet job in Municipal Development. She now works in an office where she has just insulted about 90% of her co-workers.

This shrewd political operator worked a couple of days and then had the Assistant Personnel Director Wayne Huffman call in sick for her. Perhaps she was having the rest of her teeth pulled. Congratulations, Christy! I'm sure we'll be seeing more of you.

I had the privilege of attending a fund raising event last weekend. It was a complete sellout with about 25-30 thousand Ockomon supporters in attendance. I stayed in the back of the lot and sold bologna sandwiches while I was saving a spot for the Acting Mayor.

I saw him drive by a few times taking down license plate numbers but he never did stop in. He might have come by while I was in the beer tent or I was getting my hair braided. Anyway, thanks Kris. I had a great time and I'll drop your beer bong off later this week.

Racino Royale

South Madison County residents were thrilled with the tale of the Airport Feasibility Study at an Open House on Monday. Many visitors were puzzled to learn of how the outcome of the feasibility study actually was decided.

Melanie DePoy described the high stakes, 4 way game of five-card draw.

"We, at Aerofinity, Inc., got together with Flagship and decided the best way to decide the outcome of the feasibility study was a game of poker. Chuck Staley represented Flagship Enterprise while Sue Schalk was the representative for Aerofinity. Andersonia was represented by Acting Mayor Kevin Smith and City Councilman Art Pepelea. Though Art really just threw some money down then sat in the corner and kept his mouth shut."

Though the Mayor stood to win a favorable outcome of the Feasibility study, Flagship/Aerofinity, Inc. stood to gain many more lucrative contracts, feasibility
studies, and other "thingies." As the Acting Mayor Smith put it. Thus again creating a win/win/win for Andersonia.

"It was very intense, mostly because Acting Mayor Smith kept demanding 'veto power' on cards his opponents drew." Added DePoy.

Chuck Staley further explained. "We really felt a need to let Kevin feel like he actually did something to make this come true. Truth be told we'd already decided to throw this thing up. We just thought since there will eventually be a horse track, casino, and zeppelin factory out there it would kinda neato to
have a poker game."

Letters to Buckwheat

Moliere wrote in 1669 that "the purpose of comedy is to correct the vices of men". Best wishes for continued success in your very important work. R.T. Andersonia

Great articles and another great publication. My hats off to you BW for standing up and telling the truth. My only question is when do we get to hear more of the big Copper Heist? W.G. Las Vegas (Editor's note: Soon)