Scraps From My Table: Kevin Smith's Old Time Gospel Radio Hour

WHBU radio has announced that their new fall program lineup will include "The Kevin Smith Old Time Gospel Radio Hour" hosted by Acting Mayor Kevin Smith.
 
Smith (D/R Andersonia) is a one term Mayor who says he just wants to get the "good news" out there.
 
Smith said, "There's tons of people who have never heard of me and what I've done for them. This program will be a way for me to reach the ignorant masses in a meaningful way."  He continued, "I'm just gonna spin a few of my old favorites and talk about some of my greatest accomplishments."
 
A few selections from Smith's extensive audio library include: "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder" by  Greg Winkler, "How Great Thou Art" by the Herald Bulletin Editorial Board Choir, "I surrender All" by The Morris Long Ladies Choir, and "He's Got the Whole World In His  Hands" by Rob Sparks.
 
Smith Vows To Find A Way To Keep Winkler
 
In the wake of the Andersonia City Council's vote to kill the funding for "Jobs Consultant" Greg Winkler, Acting Mayor Smith has been looking for creative ways to keep Winkler on the job.  Smith initially had asked all city department heads to pitch in by sacrificing a a cut of their salaries but changed his strategy when he was told to "stuff it".
 
Smith has since turned to a time tested method of emergency fund raising... yard sales.  The Acting Mayor is asking all forward thinking Andersonians to clear out their closets, attics, and garages of unwanted items and bring them to city hall Saturday, Sept. 8 at 7 AM.
 
"This is the first annual Junk For Jobs Fair" Smith said, "This is just the sort of outside the box thinking that has been a hallmark of my administration".

Anti-tobacco Group Receives $100,000 Federal Grant
 
Healthy, Tobacco-Free Madison County received a $100,000 federal grant to battle drug and alcohol abuse among children.
 
“This kind of coin will go a long way toward defeating the scourge of tobacco... especially the kind you cram in your mouth when you think nobody is watching,” said Karesa Knight-Wilkerson, executive director.
 
Acting Mayor Kevin Smith pounded his fist on the podium and promised to fight for "dipper's rights" no matter how it impacts his political ambitions. "I look forward to the day when every restaurant in town has a spit cup on every table".  Smith's campaign chairman could not be reached for comment .
 
Japanese Sales Consultants Call On Andersonia
 
"We visit you with forward thinking purposes."

That's the message that two sales consultants from Jerkwata, Japan brought to Andersonian city officials and representatives from area manufacturers who hosted the pair last week.
 
Aki Murata and Haruki Tanaka came to Andersonia to promote the Japanese town of Jerkwata as a premier site for American manufacturers to expand their overseas operations. Murata beamed as he said, "Jerkwata has it all. We have plentiful water, sewer, power, people and roads.  Godzilla has been killed and Megalon is no longer a threat except to a few smaller islands."
 
Aki and Haruki had some difficulty keeping their disappointment from showing when they learned that Guide Corp. and Delphi are no longer in operation locally.  Aki explained, "We have promised the Acting Mayor of Jerkwata that we will not return without a great prize. We had pleasured that one of those car parts thingies would go back to Japan with us."  "Their shame must be very great", said Haruki. "Are the manager's graves near here?"  "No" replied Smith, "but a few of them are now in my administration".
 
 Mayor Buckwheat Challenge
 
 
This week's challenge honors Greg Winkler.  Be the first to submit a correctly decrypted quotation to win a limited edition Buckwheat covert coffee mug.
 
Z DLPBHSN QLZGBJ.  Z'PB ACXN QSCHJ NBH NDSCXLHJ FLEX NDLN FSH'N FSKR.
 
-NDSTLX LGPL BJZXSH

 
Upcoming Survey
 
Later this week I will be conducting another survey. A few of the candidates have expressed a keen interest in the results from the previous one.
 
This one will be of a more serious nature and will include all of the local races.  The survey will arrive in your e-mail Friday morning.  Please take a few moments to fill it out.  I plan to send an identical one out every other Friday in an attempt to track any possible trends.  The polls will close at noon on Sunday.  All results will be posted in the following Tuesday's regular newsletter.
 
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The views expressed in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect those of the Smith Administration....but are pretty damn close. Please feel free to forward this letter to anyone that may be interested. I can be reached at Waynelafear@yahoo.com. Mr. Lafear will make certain that I get your message. Any and all mail directed my way will be held in the strictest confidence. Until next week.......BW OVER AND OUT!

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