Scraps from my Table: Sparks Fly in Japan

[editor's note, by kpaul] This is an excerpt (reprinted with permission) of a newsletter by "Mayor Buck Wheat" (a member of the Herald Bulletin forums) concerning Anderson, Indiana (aka Andersonia) Archives are available at the blog. The views expressed in the newsletter do not necessarily reflect the views of Muncie Free Press.

Sparks Fly in Japan (A One Act Play in Haiku)

The Players:

• Junzo Shimizu- President of Toyota
• Rob Sparks- Mr. Everything, Andersonia, In
• Ayako Girt- Sparks' trusty sidekick

 
Maestro!            Cue the plinky music
 
Rob:                     With airsick bag full
                             We throw ourselves at your feet
                              Begging factories
 
Junzo:                    Your shame is noted   
                             And that of your Smith Mayor
                             Where is that small man?
 
Ayako:                  Smith Mayor is home
                             Childlike, fearing for his job
                             Will you give us jobs?
 
Junzo: to Rob        You would trade this girl 
                             For polebarns that make Camrys?
                             You have her papers?
 
Rob: to Junzo        Will something else do?
                             The girl is not mine to give.
                             Golf balls for tribute?
 
Junzo: to Rob        Your ways are quite strange
                              I trust they are Titleist.
                              Leave them at the door
 
Exit Rob and Ayako
 
Ayako: to Rob        You saved me back there
                               That guy looked like Pokemon
                               His breath smelled of fish
 
Rob: to Ayako        Mayor will be pleased
                               Prosperity is assured
                               Win/win/win/win/win.
Curtain
   
 
Might I interest you in a Smitty Burger?
 
I received an invitation to the Acting Mayor's golf outing.  It advised tropical attire was appropriate as well as advertised a tiki bar and the availability of "Smitty Burgers."  I just gotsta know... what's on a Smitty Burger?
 
This week's contest is to name the ingredients of a deeeelicious Smitty Burger.
 
Try to avoid the obvious, like:  two slices of bologna on a Buckwheat bun.  This could be a helpful tool.

 
Save Winkler Movement  Picks up Steam

In a move that is purely driven by kindness, and in no way has anything to do with political favors or party affiliation,  Ed Lembcke is out to save Greg Winkler's job. In what he calls "An offer they can't refuse..." Lembcke will put forth a plan to pay for half of Wink's salary himself.

"I'm not pro- or anti-Winkler, particularly" but added "That photo in last week's BW was heart rending.  Who wouldn't feel for the little feller?"
 
Taking his plan way, way down to the grassroots, Lembcke has painted and decorated coffee cans to place at Andersonia businesses.  When reached for comment, Acting Mayor Smith said, "This really is a win/win/wi...ah who am I kidding? Where's my pink slip pad?" as he rummaged through his desk.

Sparks Says Diversity Key To Pendletonia's Economy
 
Deputy Mayor/CED Director/Big Game Hunter Rob Sparks was in Japan last week to promote business opportunities in the wilderness areas of Madison County on a tour of the Bandai Clown Car Company of Japan. "This visit proves my personal commitment to economic development in the most remote regions of the county that Andersonia hasn't even annexed yet," Sparks said.
 
Sparks continued, "I know that in the past there were a couple of skeptics that thought just because I am the Acting Heir Apparent of Andersonia I would put the interests of my boss and his reelection over anything else. With this trip, I introduced those sleepy backwater burgs to twentieth century global development theory.  Go, me!"
 
 
On The Campaign Trail With Rob Jozwiak
 
This past Saturday, I ventured out on the campaign trail with  mayoral candidate "Rufie" Rob Jozwiak in his bitchin' campaignmobile. (pictured)                                      

The day started with Jozwiac weaving the bus through the McDonald's drive through for an Alamo sized pile of breakfast burritos while outlining his Mexican roofer deportation agenda.  Carefully avoiding neighborhoods with potential "May-hee-can-Oh" inhabitants, the door to door campaign consisted largely of cruising Edgewood Plaza. 
 
*As a highly respected journalist, I tried to force myself to ask Jozwiak about his lurid allegations of bad touch traffic stops, but I could not.  This is not O magazine, people.

 
 
Dear Buckwheat
 
Great stuff, BW.  Have you considered offering franchise opportunities for other communities?    J.B.    Elwoodia, In.
 
My wife prints your newsletter and keeps them under her pillow.   She says it's for the children but I have my doubts.  G.W.  Carmelia, In
 
B.W.  Congratulations!  You've been nominated to have your name added to the  "National Who's Who In Newsletter Publishing Registry."  Please fill out the attached form and bring it to police headquarters for verification. Ask for Chief Burrows.  K.S.  Andersonia, In
 

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